Out of the Deep

When I read Psalm 130, I immediately think of the song “Out of the Deep” from John Rutter’s Requiem.  Listen to it here:  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aO3qljQX09I

This song is utterly gorgeous.  My church choir has sung it multiple times, and I had the opportunity to choreograph and perform a dance to it as well.  When I performed the dance at church, I’m completely aware that my dancing skills were a little rusty.  But what I tried to emote as I was dancing was the sense of the shift in feeling from the first to the second stanza.  In the first, the writer is in pain, suffering, doesn’t know how he is going to make it through the pain she is facing.  But then, in the second stanza, he remembers that he is waiting for God.  And he realizes that God will always, always answer with forgiveness and love.  I remember when I was dancing that in this second half, I felt so much joy.  I couldn’t help but beam from ear to ear as I thought of God always being a refuge of mercy and love.  After the service, people came up to me and said that the expression on my face had inspired them.  I had just been thinking about feeling my own joy, but I was so happy that I could express that feeling to others too.  This Psalm writer shares with us all the pain and beauty of life, and ends with such confidence and trust in God’s love.

What is even more amazing about that second stanza is that the writer is still in the midst of pain when he expresses that utter trust in God.  Loving and trusting God is so easy when everything is going our way, when God’s blessings are showering down upon us. But how much more amazing is it to be right in the middle of tough times and still be able to feel the joy of God’s love?  That takes patience and trust that I don’t always have.  It makes the writer’s faith all the more beautiful.  And perhaps faith is most beautiful and inspiring when it is put to the test.

So as I think about Lent today, I’m going to remember the joy in that second stanza.  The joy that comes from utter trust in God, even when we are at rock bottom.  Every day of my life I have the chance to express that joy to others, just as I did in the dance.  I pray to God that He will help me not only feel the inner peace that comes from trusting Him, but that He will also help me find ways to show others the smile that His peace brings me.


Ash Wednesday: The Chance to Live in the Moment

Hello!  I have just started a blog; please read my About post to learn more about me. Even though my blog is barely set up, I just felt in my heart that I really wanted to be a part of an online Lenten community this year.  I stumbled across Elizabeth Esther and knew her idea was perfect! I’ve already been inspired by reading the comments to do as Annie did and write to 40 women during lent. I love that!
Today I thought I would share some of the reflections I’m having today. I am a mother to a sweet 4.5 month old daughter, and right now we are going through a rough time in terms of sleeping and napping. I find myself feeling impatient, thinking “when will she fall asleep?” Or “when should I lay her down in her crib?” Based on the research I do, I’m terrified that I’m ruining her for life by not getting her to sleep well. I am not living in the moment at all
Yet, when she was a newborn until about 2 months, before I read anything or was worried about what other people would do, I was very patient. I would pray some of the rosary before laying her down to sleep. She had mild reflux, so I would make sure to hold her upright after a feeding and I “timed” myself by praying the rosary. I just enjoyed my precious moments with her and never once worried that I was doing something wrong.
So why am I letting myself change, constantly worrying about what should happen next instead of enjoying what is happening now? I am lucky enough to be taking time off work and I have no other children. More than most people, I have so many chances to pray and reflect on God’s love. When I am breastfeeding or when I am rocking my daughter to sleep, I have the chance to enjoy the stillness. And I will not have these chances forever! I need to take the opportunities I have for prayer instead of trying to rush them. Yes, there are a million things to do. There are so many ideas I want to write about, but they can wait.
This Lenten season, I want to go back to how I was during the first 2 months. When I’m feeding her, I will just enjoy gazing at my baby instead of surfing the web on my phone. When I’m trying to get her to fall asleep, I will appreciate the chance I have to hold my daughter in my arms. And then I will pray, either the rosary or other prayers, before I lay her down.
I also plan in doing meditations I have in a book called Let Nothing Disturb You: A Journey to the Center of the Soul with Teresa of Avila. I really lived these meditations when I was trying to get pregnant and I think I will enjoy them now. There are only 30, so maybe the last ten days I’ll go back to my favorites.
Today, the main idea from the devotional book is: “A whole lifetime is short.  I cannot depend on anything that passes away.” This has a lot of meaning for me right now because I just handed in my resignation letter for my job so that I can stay home with my daughter. This is the best decision for my family, but I’m very scared about money and the future. Today’s message reminds me that money and job security don’t matter. They are worldly things that pass away. What matters is love. Love is eternal. A mother’s love certainly lasts forever. And God’s love is the meaning of everything. So I need to focus on the ways god has called me to love. He is guiding me and everything will be ok.

Great Cloth Diaper Resources

I am an OBSESSIVE researcher, so when I decided I was interested in cloth diapers, I researched OBSESSIVELY.  Oh…and I decided I wanted to cloth diaper a year before I even started trying to get pregnant, so I’ve been researching them for, um, three years.  I have found sooo many helpful resources, but I wanted to go ahead and put together a list of the ones that I have found the most helpful.  Hopefully this page can save some people some time!

My Cloth Diaper Stash – If you are looking for the basics on cloth diapering, Julie has a page nicely organized so that you can find everything you need -Amazing!

Padded Tush Stats – Tara and Carolyn are awesome!  There are so many resources, statistics, survey results and reviews on this website.  They are continually updating with new reviews and giveaways too.  Their reviews are nice because they have huge pictures so you can really see what the diapers look like.

Change-Diapers.com – There are basic resources, reviews and advice on this site.  Every Monday a new reader question is answered, usually related to cloth diapering.  Also, Maria is such a nice person who answers every question people ask her!

Cloth Diaper Addicts – Suzi is also a very helpful person who answers reader questions promptly.  She discusses pretty much every aspect of cloth diapering on her blog.  I like reading her blog because she has very strong opinions and I like that!

ObbsandLala cloth diaper Vlogs – If you like videos better, I’m pretty sure this woman is the queen of cloth diapering YouTube videos!  She has so many helpful topics on this page.

For me, these really were the most helpful resources.  Besides these websites, I also read many cloth diaper reviews when choosing the brands I wanted to try.  I found that people obviously had very different opinions on different diapers based on their individual babies, but I still noticed that certain brands were consistently reviewed well and had characteristics that were appealing to me in a diaper.  I still made sure to test out a diaper for myself first before I bought a bunch of the brand because I needed to see how the diaper worked for me and my baby.  So, I would definitely read reviews, but just realize that what one person says may not be true for you.

How I Prepared for a Drug-Free Labor

As I explain in my Birth Story, I knew that I wanted to avoid drugs in my labor.  I knew that much of this was out of my control, but I decided to be as proactive as possible to make my desire a reality.  I wanted to explain some of the things I did to make that happen in case someone else is interested.

Why no drugs?  First of all, let me say I have absolutely no judgment if a woman wants to use drugs in her labor.  I just knew myself and knew that drug-free was best for me.  I am very afraid of anesthesia, even though I have had two surgeries with no problems.  I’m also the type of person who just doesn’t like taking medicine if I don’t have to.  In other words, I’m crazy.  🙂 But really, I knew that the best way for me to be relaxed and confident in my labor would be to have as much control of my body as possible and to not be worrying about possible side effects.  Plus, my mom never used drugs, and she is my hero and I wanted to be like her!

Oh, and I watched The Business of Being Born. Aaaaaa.

There is so much we can’t control about labor and delivery.  Nature happens! But maybe there are some things we can do for ourselves ahead of time.

1 Do Your Research on your Provider and Hospital

Even before I was pregnant, I started doing research.  I knew I still wanted to give birth in a hospital; therefore, I needed to find a hospital where the birth I wanted would be more possible.  Soon, I discovered that this meant I needed to find a new doctor because the place my current doctor delivered had a suspiciously high c-section rate compared to other hospitals in the area.  I found a hospital that advertised their dedication to making sure mom and baby stay together the whole hospital stay.  This seemed like a good start.  At least their philosophy about the bond between mom and baby matched with mine.  I also continually heard good things about the nurses in this hospital, and since nurses are key in hospital labor, I liked that info too!

I also started researching different providers.  I decided a midwife would be a good choice for me because having a midwife lowers the chance of interventions, at least according to what I read.  Before I was pregnant I interviewed a few midwives.  Here is the document of questions I asked in case anyone is interested.

Midwife Interview

I found a midwife whose personality made me feel comfortable.  I felt that she would really allow her patients to do what they wanted and not push them into decisions based on what she wanted.  I also liked that she was the only midwife in the practice, so as long as she wasn’t on vacation, she would be the one at my labor.  In most doctor’s offices, you have no guarantee who is going to be at your labor.

2. Start Learning about Birthing Philosophies and Birth

I would of course recommend taking a class if you can.  Luckily, the hospital had a Lamaze class that was not too much money.  And it was a great class where we actually practiced Lamaze techniques every week while also learning about childbirth. You can also take classes on the Bradley Method or Hypnobirthing, but they can be a lot of money.

Although I didn’t know what techniques I would actually want to use when labor arrived, I still felt good knowing about them all and trying different things out.  For instance, the Lamaze breathing seemed counter-intuitive to me, but once I started practicing it, it became easier.  The teacher said there would come a stage of labor where deep breathing wouldn’t be enough and the ‘”ah-ee” breathing would be more helpful.  Interestingly, I never got to that point…I just stuck with deep breathing because it continued to feel good to me.  But I’m still glad I learned my options.

Some classic books to read are Ina May’s Guide to Childbirth and Husband Coached Childbirth by Robert Bradley.  I also read and enjoyed The Birth Book by Dr. Sears.

I found this book to be the most helpful:

Hypnobirthing: The Mongan Method

While I didn’t exactly “follow” this method to a tee in my labor – I didn’t really have time! – I used so much of this book.  It teaches breathing and relaxation techniques that were invaluable to me.  The premise is basically to use self-hypnosis so that during labor you can be calm and in control as much as possible.  Also wonderful were the CD that came with the book and the additional Hypnobirthing tracks you can find here.

I listened to the CD every night and became able to be so relaxed.  And that is a big deal for me because I am NOT a naturally relaxed person.  I also listened to the Birthing Affirmations as my due date approached, and thinking them to myself during my labor really helped.

3. Learn to Relax

Do yoga, deep breathing, meditation, prayer, whatever you need to do.  But take time to relax and practice relaxing!  I started listening to the CD I mention above about 5 months into my pregnancy, and I also started seriously practicing breathing and self-hypnosis every day around the same time.  I did yoga as much as I could during the pregnancy as well.  These steps were helpful because I really feel that being a calmer person overall and meditating on how my body was meant to work this way and my mind could handle pain helped me be very calm and in control during my labor.  During my pregnancy, I was the most relaxed I’ve ever been in my life!  Too bad that fabulous state of mind ended immediately after my daughter was born, haha.

4.  Make a Plan

When I say this, I don’t necessarily mean a 50-page long birth plan.  Both my midwife and the nurses at the hospital told me that when a woman comes in with a long birth plan, the nurses joke that she is going to have a c-section.  I thought this was kind of mean, but my midwife explained that when you are obsessed with controlling every detail of your labor, then when something doesn’t go according to plan you tend to get tense and stressed, resulting in stalling your labor.

What I do mean is, decide what is most important to you.  What do you most care about happening in your labor?  And then, write that down for yourself and whoever will be in the room with you.  You can have this written down to show the nurses, or you can express your desire to them.

I most wanted to be drug-free and to have my baby immediately with me after birth so I could have skin to skin and breastfeed.  My hospital already had a strong policy of Kangaroo Care (skin to skin), so I didn’t need to worry about that.  That’s why I was so glad I had found a hospital whose philosophies matched mine in terms of keeping mom and baby together at all times.  It’s very important to be informed about the policies of your hospital so that they don’t try to do something you were totally not expecting.

Probably the most helpful and informative book I found about common hospital policies and just about deciding what was most important for me was: Natural Hospital Birth: the Best of Both Worlds.  This book goes through the stages of labor and tells you what to expect.  It also goes through common interventions and just gives you an idea of what they are.  It also focuses on your rights and how you can assert yourself in a polite way when you want to say no to an intervention.    This book gave me such a clearer picture of everything and just made me feel more comfortable about what to expect.  For instance, this book mentioned that hospitals often give Pitocin after birth to help the uterus contract, but that this is something you don’t need to do if you don’t want to because usually the uterus contracts by itself.  I would never have known about this because my childbirth class didn’t mention this at all, and when I asked the nurse running the class about this, she said it wouldn’t happen.  Well, during my actual labor, the nurse and doctor were all ready to prepare the Pitocin.  Luckily, I understood that I probably wouldn’t need this, and the doctor agreed that they would only use it if I was hemorrhaging or my uterus was not contracting naturally.  If I hadn’t read this book, I would have been uninformed and unsure and might have said yes to a drug that it turned out I didn’t need.

5. Go with the Flow

In the end, nature will decide how your body works and what happens with your labor.  As I explain in my Birth Story, my water broke before I got to the hospital, which was something I had hoped would not happen.  But I just kept saying the birthing affirmations, breathing deeply, going through the Hypnobirthing meditations, and having faith.  When I was at the hospital, the nurses were very impressed with my state of mind and never once offered me pain medication because they could tell I was in control.  Not of my body, but of how I reacted to what was happening.

I strongly believe that everything can be taken away from us, but we will still have control over our state of mind and our reactions to what life throws at us.  This takes practice.  Being able to relax takes practice if you are a crazy person like I am.  But with the help of these resources, I was relaxed and calm during the most intense experience of my life!  And I was able to have the birth experience that I truly believed was best for my baby.

Love in Motherhood, Even Before Motherhood Begins

Hi Everyone!  I’m a new blogger; please see my About page to learn more!

Even though my blog is barely started, I was inspired by the topic that A Mama Collective has going so I decided I needed to write my first post immediately!  Their idea is to write about some aspect of motherhood has been impacted by someone’s love.

I actually am inspired to talk about how love, specifically God’s love, impacted me before I was pregnant.  I talk more about what faith is to me in my About page, but I definitely went through a real deepening in faith on my journey to get pregnant.

I have to go back to the summer of 2012 to tell this story.  For quite a few years, I had always imagined that 2012 would be the year I tried to get pregnant.  I stopped birth control in February of 2012 and started researching getting pregnant like crazy.  This will sound weird, but because I have had normal periods and no real problems, I just has this feeling that I was very fertile and that things would work out for me.

However, the summer of 2012 started very differently than I had imagined.  For one thing, stopping birth control did weird things to my hormones.  I broke out like a teenager, and my periods were just kind of weird, different than they had been before birth control or during birth control.  Suddenly, I felt like my body was not the same and started to wonder how easy this would really be.  But much worse than this was a family tragedy.  I witnessed my aunt’s final battle with lupus.  I was there in her final moments of consciousness and while I don’t want to share the whole story, overall it was very traumatic for me.  In some ways I felt I should have done more for her in those final moments, and the whole summer I dealt with  depression and guilt over her death.

As the fall started and I still wasn’t pregnant, I started to get nervous.  I knew that getting pregnant could take a year or more, but for some silly reason I had imagined everything happening quicker.   And my weird hormones didn’t help the issue.  I hit a real low point in November where I just felt like since my aunt’s death everything had gone wrong, and the guilt I still felt just overwhelmed me.

Then, I started praying a lot.  I didn’t pray to get pregnant though.  In my book collection I found a devotional book of prayers based on St. Teresa of Avila called Let Nothing Disturb You.  These prayers were all about realizing that all that matters is putting God at the center of life.  Everything else is secondary.  We always think about what we want, and the more we do that, the further we  get from God.  Those ideas really hit home for me and the prayers in this book gave me comfort.  I also started praying the rosary every day.  I just meditated on the idea that God’s will would be done, and that was all that mattered.  God’s love started calming me more and more.  I started feeling so at peace and positive that whatever God wanted would happen, and whatever God wanted would be right.  I thought about how Mary had complete faith through her pregnancy and motherhood because God’s love was with her.  And I just believed that if God wanted me to be a mother, it would happen, but if he didn’t, I would find other ways to love.

By mid-December I felt so happy and so patient.  The whole Advent season was wonderful for me because Advent is all about waiting for a baby.  But instead of stressing out and thinking: “When will I get pregnant?” I tried to think about Jesus, the real baby at the center of Advent.  Also, I realized that whenever we are waiting for something, God is waiting with us.  I felt God’s love so much and just knew everything would be OK.

My husband actually had a hunch that he was the reason we weren’t getting pregnant, so he went to the doctor even though we had only been trying for 6 months.  They did tests and found out he had low testosterone and low sperm count.  This news made me realize that maybe pregnancy wasn’t going to happen.  I did have many moments of frustration.  But I just kept praying and feeling God’s love giving me patience and peace.

At the end of January, my husband was told that his chances of getting me pregnant were less than 10 percent.  On February 1st, I took a pregnancy test and it was positive. This had been only our 7th month of trying.  We beat the odds.


Well, actually, God’s love beat the odds.  I know without a doubt that God somehow made pregnancy happen for me.  My pregnancy and labor were so beautiful.  In October of 2013 I gave birth at the same hospital where my aunt passed away.  I know she was with me, taking care of me and watching over me.  The first words out of my mouth when my daughter was laid on my chest were “Thank you, God.”  I just kept saying it over and over.

God’s love sustained me on my journey to pregnancy; my journey to pregnancy sustained and increased my awareness of God’s love.  God’s love made pregnancy possible for me.  God’s love brought my beautiful daughter to me.  And God’s love will be at the center of my motherhood, keeping me patient and positive.